At Long Last, A Sexy Accountant!

Accountants have not been treated well by Hollywood.  (I don't need to perpetuate the stereotype here.  Even non-accountants know what I'm talking about.)  So, it was good to see that the Toronto International Film Festival has a film about an accountant on a sexual adventure.  Here's the summary (with thanks to the Globe and Mail):

Jonas Chernick plays Jordan Abrams, a sexually inept accountant/dweeb from Winnipeg who, after getting the heave-ho from his long-time girlfriend (Sarah Manninen), flies to Toronto where he eventually meets Julia (Emily Hampshire), a stripper/lap dancer with a heart of gold, a mountain of debt and culinary ambitions.

Er . . . never mind.

Dear Donut

Dear Donut,

Our relationship goes back a long way. I feel like you’ve become a big part of me. You used to be such a treat, but now, I fear you’ve become a bad habit. Three-thirty in the afternoon rolls around and suddenly you’re there, demanding my attention. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I don’t know how to say this without hurting your feelings, but let’s face it. You lied to me. You were supposed to be a snack, a burst of energy, a friend to carry me through until dinner. But that’s not what happened. Sure, the anticipation of meeting you was exquisite. Your softness against my lips. Your sweet taste . . .

But I digress. The sad thing was that after all that foreplay, you didn’t hold up your end of the bargain. After you were gone, I felt tired, not energized. In fact, worse than if I hadn’t had you at all. I put up with it for a while, but it has gone too far. This relationship has to end.

I’m sorry if I’ve never mentioned this before. I know you mean well. I appreciate the kind thought, but no, I really don’t think there’s anything you can do. No, another layer of frosting isn’t going to make a difference. Really. Yes, a fruit filling might make you more romantic, but that just doesn’t deal with the issue. We just weren’t made for each other.

Well, I wasn’t going to mention this to you, but yes, there is someone else. She’s from a different country. No, not Danish! She goes down smooth and gives me lasting energy. No, this isn’t about liking salty more than sweet. Besides, she’s a lot less salty now, more earthy, I’d say. She’s a vegetable juice.

No need to get personal! Vegetables may not be sexy, but they’re smart, and I have come to appreciate how much I like that. You know, I thought you would be a difficult habit to give up, but it turned out that you were easy to replace with something smart.

Look, let’s not part as enemies. You’re sweet. You’re fun, particularly when you’re fresh. And we have known each other a long time. Can't we just be friends?


Bill

Energized Accounting Graduate

This posting appeared in craigslist: http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/res/1424093814.html

Hard Working Energized Accounting Graduate seeking employment (all of GTA)

I just want to say that while I am actively encouraging energized accounting, I haven't actually graduated anyone in this field. It is, however, wonderful to see others using the term Energized when describing accounting!

Accounting's Patron Saint

Here's the official patron saint of accounting, Saint Matthew:

"The patron saint of accountants, bankers, bookkeepers, security guards and tax collectors is Saint Matthew of Apostle fame, and he also was the author of one of the Gospels. Before becoming an Apostle, however, he started out as a Jewish tax collector at Capernaum. Little is known about him, outside the seven references he has in the Gospels. In medieval art, Saint Matthew is represented under the symbol of a winged man, carrying in his hand a lance as a characteristic emblem - his artistic calling card if you will. He is one of the originals in the pantheon of patron saints."

Okay, that's the official line. My nominee for the patron saint of accounting would be Cassandra from ancient Greek mythology (and not just because she's both smart and beautiful). She was the one who was condemned by Apollo to be able to see the future but have nobody believe her. She warned Paris that he was courting disaster when he went after Helen. She later warned the Trojans about the Greeks' horse statue, but do you think anyone listened?

Honestly, do you sometimes feel that way? I thought so.

I was accused of exceeding my mandate the other day because I recommended a strategic course of action. According to this person, my role as accountant is only to give the financial picture. I am supposed to tell people what the cost consequences of their decisions are, but not recommend a course of action. Now, I want to make it clear that this person is not my boss, nor did he represent a majority. Still, do you think he was right?

As accountants, are we just supposed to analyze the situation and nothing more? Do we destroy our objectivity or independence if we make specific recommendations? If you see a solution to a financial problem, should you wait for others to fix it or should you step in boldly and argue for your vision? Or are we condemned, like Cassandra, not to be believed?

Lock 'em Up and Throw Away the Key

Today's Globe and Mail newspaper had an article about a woman who clearly needed to be taught a lesson that would serve as a deterrent to others:

Bela Kosoian, a 38-year-old mother of two, says when she didn't hold the handrail [on the transit escalator] Wednesday, she was cuffed, dragged into a small holding cell and fined.

Okay, if the police are going to arrest people for that kind of violation, I have a few other transgressions that deserve their attention.

1. Accountants who cram too many columns of numbers onto one page. You know the ones I mean. They put the monthly actual, budget, last year month, budget variance, and last year month variance on the left side of the report, then the year to date actual, budget, last year, budget variance, last year variance and full year budget on the right side, making the font so small you need an electron microscope to see the numbers let alone make sense of them. Book 'em Danno.
2. Blaming the new system. The new computer has been blamed so many times for so many things, that I'm not buying that excuse any more. If you can't get your computer system to work, send me a manual payment. I'm not that picky, really.
   
3. Balanced with a difference. As Yoda says, "Balanced you are or unbalanced you are. There is no balanced with a difference." Take away their bookkeeping license!
4. Oh, I forgot to give you this last receipt. Everyone who prepares personal tax returns knows this miscreant, the person who lets you do all your work on their return only to come to you at the last minute with a piece of paper to add to the shoebox of forms they already dumped on you. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
   
5. I just want to push a button and . . . This one's personal. I hate it when people oversimplify their reporting needs and assume that the system is designed to give them exactly what they need at the proverbial push of a button. We recommend the maximum penalty the law allows your honor.
6. It's immaterial. Auditors can say, "It's immaterial" all they like. That's music to my ears because it means I can stop working on that issue. But when anyone else hides behind materiality, they should be cuffed and jailed. If it isn't right, it's wrong. Off with their heads!
   
7. Blame the budget. If an expense is over budget or a revenue doesn't come in as planned, it's pointless to say the budget was wrong. You had your chance at budget time. Now it's "fixing the problem" time, so get out there and do it!
8. Put down the client. If a client complains, you should get down on your knees and thank them for the opportunity to serve them better. Most clients don't complain. They just take their business elsewhere. Officer, arrest this accountant!
   
9. Incomprehensible gobbledygook. Arguably, communication is half of the job of an accountant. Financial analysts who fill their reports with talk of accruals and negative variances being partially offset by timing differences deserve to be led off in chains.
   
10. Excel sins. They should reopen Alcatraz for people who:

• Override the formula in a long column of calculations,
• Change standard templates, such as budget or expense forms,
  
• Type in the totals instead of calculating them,
• Insert blank lines and columns into a table - you can make it readable without making it unsortable,
• Allow different, incompatible versions of a spreadsheet float around,
• Type numbers into cells without leaving any trail for others to follow, and
  
• Forget to round their formula results so that their totals don't add.

What other indictable crimes do you know? Please use the comments below so I can pass them onto the authorities. They clearly have the time!

Accounting Idol

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the last show of Accounting Idol. We started with 50 eager bean counters and now it's down to the final three. Tonight one, two or all three of you will be eliminated. Who will it be?

You thought that the final test was going to be easy, didn't you? All you had to do was represent the auditors at the annual general meeting of the shareholders. What you didn't know was that the company, your client, would be Enwrong, the most greedy, dishonest, uncaring corporation in North America.

Brad, please step forward. Brad, we have watched you struggle to become a person of the people. You changed your clothes, your hair, the music you listen to. You took communications courses. You studied popular psychology. You read self-help books. You did everything you could to be sympathetic, to be liked. Was that a tear we saw as you reported to the shareholders? But. And it's a big but. The people in that meeting didn't want a friend. They wanted blood. You didn't win them over, Brad, not even close. They mistook your offer of friendship for weakness. You lost your balance, Brad and now it's time for you to leave.

Wanda, please step forward. Wanda, you have the image. You are every inch the corporate accountant, from your conservative heels to your power suit to the steely look in your eyes. You have statistics at your finger tips. All the power brokers are in your Blackberry speed dial list. You can justify every decision. You have avoided any and all responsibility. But you forgot something. You can't find the truth by reading corporate press releases. You are the accountant, not the apologist. Just because the corporation pays your bill doesn't mean that you have to parrot the party line. Take your golden parachute and go.

Bob, you look like you slept in your suit. Your style is bland. You are gaining weight and losing hair. To be blunt, Bob, you don't have a commanding presence. But when you speak, Bob, you tell it like it is. You don't embellish, editorialize or emote. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but there is only one set of facts. Your language is plain and simple. You faced the music, Bob. You didn't duck and dodge the questions. You gave them what they needed to hear, the truth. That's what the people want from their accountants. Congratulations, you are this year's Accounting Idol!

[Wild applause. Zoom out. Roll credits. Fade to black. Go to commercial.]

Two New Excel Functions

Microsoft has just announced two new Excel functions to be included in the Microsoft Office 2007 suite, Service Pack 2 (SP2) expected to be released 04/01/2009. I'm sure they will prove to be indispensable tools to accountants, particularly those involved in budgeting, financial reporting or financial modeling for charities and public corporations.

In these trying economic times, closing the gap between revenues and expenses can be challenging to say the least. Also, with consumer confidence ebbing and the price of overseas parts and raw materials mounting, it is increasingly difficult for companies to maintain their profit margins. That's where the first function, HOPE comes in. It will calculate the gap or margin that you will hopefully fill when your forecasted transactions are realized. Here's an excerpt from the documentation:

__________________________________________

HOPE

HOPE returns a specific dollar amount or percentage, based on the total revenue and total expense/cost cells you specify.

Syntax

HOPE(result,tot_revenue,tot_cost)

Result is either "%" for a margin calculation or "$" for a dollar amount.

Tot_revenue is the total revenue amount or the location of the cell containing the revenue amount.

Tot_cost is the total expense or cost amount or the location of the cell containing the cost amount.

Remarks

• If tot_revenue is greater than tot_cost, HOPE is unnecessary.
• If the margin or dollar amount calculation is too high, HOPE returns the #VALUE! error value.

__________________________________________

I should comment that in testing the beta version of this function I came across the #VALUE! error and discussed it with one of the developers. He said that the function is based on econometrics. There is a certain point where the gap between revenues and expenses/costs is so great that the value of HOPE required to balance the equation approaches infinity (i.e. an undefined value). In order to prevent the function from going into an infinite loop, it aborts and displays the error message.

To overcome this issue, Microsoft has introduced a second function, but you should employ it cautiously as it uses an enormous amount of system resources. The syntax is similar to HOPE, but the function is called PRAY.

Geek Anniversary Gifts

Stuck on what to give your favourite geek for his/her anniversary? Fear not! The internet has the answer:

http://www.socialsignal.com/blog/alexandra-samuel/halfway-to-hex

A big thank you to Beth's Blog: How Nonprofits Can Use Social Media for the link.

X-Treme Accounting - A Little Fun

OK, I was having a little fun with the idea of an XBox game for accountants, but it has a serious side to it as well. You will find it here.

In another posting, I sent an open letter to comment on Mayor of Toronto, David Miller's musings on saving money by combining the IT departments of the Toronto Police, the Toronto Transit Commission and City Hall.

Just a little accounting humour to warm up the cold days of February!