Friday, 20 March 2009

Accounting Idol

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the last show of Accounting Idol. We started with 50 eager bean counters and now it's down to the final three. Tonight one, two or all three of you will be eliminated. Who will it be?

You thought that the final test was going to be easy, didn't you? All you had to do was represent the auditors at the annual general meeting of the shareholders. What you didn't know was that the company, your client, would be Enwrong, the most greedy, dishonest, uncaring corporation in North America.

Brad, please step forward. Brad, we have watched you struggle to become a person of the people. You changed your clothes, your hair, the music you listen to. You took communications courses. You studied popular psychology. You read self-help books. You did everything you could to be sympathetic, to be liked. Was that a tear we saw as you reported to the shareholders? But. And it's a big but. The people in that meeting didn't want a friend. They wanted blood. You didn't win them over, Brad, not even close. They mistook your offer of friendship for weakness. You lost your balance, Brad and now it's time for you to leave.

Wanda, please step forward. Wanda, you have the image. You are every inch the corporate accountant, from your conservative heels to your power suit to the steely look in your eyes. You have statistics at your finger tips. All the power brokers are in your Blackberry speed dial list. You can justify every decision. You have avoided any and all responsibility. But you forgot something. You can't find the truth by reading corporate press releases. You are the accountant, not the apologist. Just because the corporation pays your bill doesn't mean that you have to parrot the party line. Take your golden parachute and go.

Bob, you look like you slept in your suit. Your style is bland. You are gaining weight and losing hair. To be blunt, Bob, you don't have a commanding presence. But when you speak, Bob, you tell it like it is. You don't embellish, editorialize or emote. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but there is only one set of facts. Your language is plain and simple. You faced the music, Bob. You didn't duck and dodge the questions. You gave them what they needed to hear, the truth. That's what the people want from their accountants. Congratulations, you are this year's Accounting Idol!

[Wild applause. Zoom out. Roll credits. Fade to black. Go to commercial.]